Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
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so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
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Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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