so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
