Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
