Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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