Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
