Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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