how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
