sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
