Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
