I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
please come you make the beer taste better
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
