i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
