I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
