I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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