dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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