i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
