U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
