My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.