My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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