there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
