he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
