She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
