My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
