tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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