i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
