I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The best revenge is premature balding
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
