i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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