unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
