just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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