Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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