: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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