you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"