wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.