True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.