Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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