So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
