My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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