I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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