Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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