Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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