Your face is a jimmy john
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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