Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
