All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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