The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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