Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
don't judge my taste in strippers
Randomize
