My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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