My Higher Power is John Stamos
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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