Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
