you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
