i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
