True but thats because hes a fetus.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
