I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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