So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
