Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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