i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Randomize
