If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
