Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
