You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
