rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
