3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
