Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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